Dealing with people is a skill that will follow you throughout your entire professional journey.
And to navigate this terrain well, it’s essential to remember a powerful mental model: the map is not the territory.
In other words, what people show, their words, attitudes, and expressions, often doesn’t reflect what’s truly going on inside.
But why does this happen?
Why do people usually not tell you what they really think?
Author Jeff Wetzler, in his book “Ask“, reveals four key reasons why people don’t share what they’re truly carrying inside, and it’s likely exactly what you most need to know.
1. They don’t want to hurt you or damage the relationship you have
I believe you’ve probably had the experience of at least one friend, perplexed, exclaiming: “I don’t know why this happened to me” or “Why did that person react that way?”
Depending on how sensitive your friend is to the topic, you might feel little inclination to offer any meaningful feedback, and end up saying something generic like “these things happen,” while hiding what you truly think about the situation.
Many times, in both social and professional settings, people ask us for feedback, and we’re not always sure whether they’re simply seeking validation for their feelings and thoughts, or if they genuinely want to know how to improve their outcomes.
In fact, a relevant study reveals that people consistently underestimate how much others actually want feedback, even when that feedback could help them improve. In one experiment, only 2.6% of participants gave feedback to someone with a visible mark on their face, not because they didn’t care, but because they assumed the person wouldn’t want to hear it.
There’s no definitive mental model for that. But what you can do is start positioning yourself as someone who’s open to feedback, someone who actively seeks it out in a clear and intentional way. That behavior alone encourages others to do the same.
Asking for feedback about ourselves tends to have a much better effect than interrupting a casual conversation with a sudden “Can I give you some feedback?”
The best thing you can do is create a welcoming environment where mistakes and failures don’t weigh heavily on self-esteem, where people don’t feel the need to hide the fact that they know they’ve made a mistake.
And the most effective way to do that is by example. If you’re not willing to be vulnerable, to share your own missteps and ask for another perspective, others won’t feel comfortable doing it either.
2. They don’t know how to say it, they’re struggling to find the right words or the right way to express themselves
If you think about how many times you’ve wished someone could read your mind and anticipate your needs, it’s not hard to understand why it’s so difficult to find the right words to talk about mistakes, annoyances, stumbles, and failures without hurting or offending.
There is even a concept called Alexithymia, difficulty identifying and expressing emotions. It’s especially relevant when people feel disconnected or struggle to articulate their inner experience.
We carry deeply rooted beliefs that often prevent us from seeing the situation from a new point of reference. Sometimes we’re facing our own inner demons, feeling guilty or regretful about past behaviors. Other times, we’re simply not interested in a particular topic or problem. So how do you approach sensitive subjects with someone without adding to their guilt?
ChatGPT might give you tips on what questions to ask or how to express yourself and even different mental models to go by, but the truth is, there are no magic formulas, and every person is unique. Sometimes you’ll speak in a way that’s too blunt and dry, other times too soft and condescending. And sometimes you’ll stay silent simply because you don’t even understand what you think or feel about the matter, or you’re just not invested.
And with each of these experiences, you’ll learn, if you’re willing to listen to why the other person reacted to your words, gestures, or silence the way they did, and when you need to take a stand to avoid future issues in the relationship.
One of the most powerful exercises you can do is to expand the topic beyond the specific thing you want feedback on, like the design of a future product’s packaging. Sometimes the person is afraid to tell you that you’re trying to solve the wrong problem, wasting time, being naive or foolish, because you haven’t even developed or tested the product properly yet, and you’re already focused almost entirely on the packaging.
Instead of asking for direct feedback on exactly what you want to know, why not broaden the conversation and ask something like:
“If you were in my shoes, what would you do?”
Questions that help us understand someone’s reasoning or interests will add far more value than assuming everyone is on the same page about how to think, feel, and act.
Maybe that’s a much more interesting conversation than receiving a dry and impatient “you were young and dumb” later on.
“If you want to make a difference, don’t be afraid to ask.” — Wendy Kopp, CEO of Teach for America
3. They don´t have the time or energy
Every individual needs to manage their energy levels and time. We all have 24 hours a day and a limited supply of vital energy to carry out activities beyond the mere survival of our bodily systems. We’re flooded with small daily decisions from the moment we wake up to the moment we go to sleep. Among them is the decision to give feedback, or not, in order to start or nurture a relationship we value.
Is it worth giving that feedback? Is this the right moment?
An article published in Harvard Business Review exposes how Energy depletion affects decision-making and interpersonal engagement. When people are low on energy, they’re less likely to invest in emotionally demanding tasks like giving thoughtful feedback or engaging in sensitive conversations.
People who care about you, who love you, won’t always choose to spend their vital energy giving you specific feedback. Sometimes it’s because they don’t see it as that important. Other times, they believe you’ll find the answers you need about your way of thinking and acting in your own time. Or maybe they simply don’t want to overwhelm you, or themselves, at that moment.
You could certainly be learning more from the people around you and those you admire, but not all of them will be available for the level of commitment it takes to offer honest and sensitive feedback tailored to your situation. After all, truly getting to know someone is a demanding task that requires a significant investment of time and energy.
If good advice were welcome in this realm, it would be this:
Observe more closely the behaviors, attitudes, and interests of those who achieve the results you aspire to and start modeling them.
Success leaves behind clues, mental models we can learn from and apply.
4. They may feel that you’re indifferent or unlikely to take action
When working in a group, team, or family, the need for feedback becomes even more evident. After all, everyone is moving toward a shared goal, and we often have common projects, like serving a market with a solution delivered as a product, winning a championship, or going on a trip. In these moments, we begin to notice the dynamics between leaders and those being led.
The article “Understanding Effects of Feedback on Group Collaboration” by Taemie Kim and Alex Pentland supports the fact that group dynamics are sensitive to context: Feedback has different effects depending on the type of meeting and personalities involved, reinforcing that not all feedback is received or implemented equally.
Not every situation will take your perspective into account; and even when feedback is requested, it’s not always acted upon.
We often assume we understand the feelings and thoughts behind our family members’, colleagues’ actions or company policies, and we might be right, or not. What we can be sure of is that there’s a threshold beyond which any individual feels inhibited from sharing their opinions, thoughts, and emotions.
“To what extent does expressing what I think actually change anything?”
That’s the question that crosses the mind of anyone whose ideas for improvement are rejected and whose perspectives are dismissed. Everyone has a limit, a point where they begin to preserve their energy. As the famous saying goes, “Don’t cast pearls before swine.”
The reflection I leave with you is: “To what extent are you the one who disregards what is said?” And “To what extent do you keep speaking up where there are no ears to listen?”
There are no ready-made answers. You need to find your voice, express your values, and influence what you believe truly matters. But you also need to listen and be willing to consider opposing views, reevaluating what really matters in each situation.
If you enjoyed reading this article, you’ll probably also enjoy the book How to Think Smart.
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